Being in lockdown with someone you love is hard enough. But what is it like to be cooped up for weeks, possibly months, with someone you used to love and now can’t stand?
Last week the charity Relate said one in eight people was having ‘doubts’ about their partner in lockdown, while divorce lawyers are predicting a boom in business post-isolation. But what about those who were already going through the process of separation?
‘I am seeing couples who had already made the decision to divorce, but are having to stick together in the same home during lockdown,’ says Suzy Miller, a divorce strategist, who helps people navigate a more peaceful split. ‘Lots of them are horrified at the situation.’
So, what’s it like to confront enforced togetherness when your marriage has unravelled? Here, one wife and one husband share their heart- breaking stories . . .
British people who are spending lockdown with an ex partner, revealed the challenges (file image)
He calls new partner from garden shed
Emily Hart, 33, a teacher, is separating from David, who works in advertising, after 11 years of marriage. They have two children aged nine and five.
The break-up of our marriage was a mutual decision. We still loved each other but just decided we weren’t right for each other. When couples really hate each other it’s probably a relief when the marriage ends, whereas for us, and for me in particular, I really struggled with it.
We separated in November and David moved out at the end of December. He rented a room because that’s all we could afford. I was coping OK. We kept our family routine almost like it was when we were together. In the mornings, he’d take the children to school. After work, he’d come home again. He’d leave once the children were in bed.
But then he told me he’d met someone else. He’d basically jumped straight into a relationship. They got together at the end of December and are already looking at buying a house together.
Every evening, I’d have to watch him go off to be with this new person he was building his life with. It was absolutely torturous. I’d just got to the point where I felt like I needed to protect myself more, maybe establish some boundaries and perhaps cut down on his visits, or get him to see the children out of the home, so there was more of a separation. Then lockdown happened. The timing couldn’t have been worse.
Government guidance is that children can travel between parents’ houses but because he doesn’t have much space, the only way he was able to see the children was by moving back in.
Emily Hart, 33, who is separating from her husband David after 11 years of marriage, said it’s hard living together as a family when he has a new relationship (file image)
Obviously, it’s difficult for him because he can’t see the person he’s just fallen in love with, potentially for months, and he’s back living where he’d thought he’d finally moved out of.
But for me, trying to get over him, get over this new relationship, accept that we are no longer together, is really hard when we’re basically living as a family again.
We’re sleeping in separate bedrooms, and I spend the evening in my bedroom while he’s downstairs in the lounge when the children have gone to bed, but we’re cooking and eating together as a family, and it’s very easy to forget we’re separated.
Of course he can’t physically leave the house to see his girlfriend, but he video chats with her every evening. Before he moved in I got him to agree that he wouldn’t do that in the house. He’d either have to do it on a walk or in the shed, so I don’t have to see or hear, but every time I see the light on in the shed my heart sinks because I know what he’s doing.
The other evening he couldn’t get out in the garden because the children were camping. I heard him in the living room talking to her. He was even calling her the same pet names he used with me. It was just horrible. I confronted him in the kitchen afterwards and he apologised. I wanted to shout at him, but then thought, it’s not going to solve anything.
Emily revealed their children aren’t aware that David has a new girlfriend (file image)
The worry of getting seriously ill also holds me back. He’s got asthma and I’ve got ME. We’re both in the at-risk category. If the worst were to happen, I don’t want to regret how I behaved during this time. That’s another reason why I’m trying to be reasonable and not let my emotions, my anger and resentment, dictate how I behave towards him.
We’ve been very careful with the children and they seem to have adjusted well. I have reminded them a few times that once this is over Daddy will be moving out again. They don’t know about the girlfriend yet, so that’s going to be a lot for them to take in. But it’s very challenging being stuck. We can’t sell the house, we can’t move on emotionally, we’re in limbo. The ‘denial’ part of me is trying to enjoy the family time we’re having. When I’m in the garden and we’re there as a family, I am trying to cherish those moments, as they are limited.
I’m just very concerned that when he does go, it’s going to be like him leaving all over again — for me and the children.
She won’t eat in same room as me
John Chambers, 41, a senior manager, is separating from Hannah, who works in retail, after 20 years of marriage. They have three children, aged 13, 11 and eight.
In January, I said to my wife: ‘I want a divorce.’ She said: ‘No, I want a divorce and I’ve already started the process.’ I thought she was bluffing but on February 10 the petition came through the door. I sensed that things hadn’t been quite right, but never for a moment thought our marriage was in danger. In hindsight it was so obvious. She was going out more than she did before and with one particular friend. She was also texting far more.
Last year we went on holiday to Malta. It was odd because my wife hadn’t been proactive in booking it, whereas normally she’d be keen for us to get away.
We were staying in an apartment and she wanted us to sleep in separate rooms. We’d been sleeping in separate bedrooms for some time anyway. She snores and I am a light sleeper. I would complain about it and she would wake herself up and move into the spare room and that became a habit.
John Chambers, 41, who is separating from his wife of 20 years Hannah, said their relationship began to crumble after she cheated (file image)
It was the night before we were due to go home and my now 13-year-old daughter said: ‘Why is Mummy in the car texting?’ We’d hired a car and I’d been driving and she’d been on her phone a lot. I knew she was trying to set up a business with a work colleague and so I said: ‘It’s just a business thing.’ And then my daughter said — and this is when the penny dropped — ‘Why is she sending poems to him, then?’
I didn’t sleep at all that night. In the morning she was downstairs having breakfast and her phone was charging next to mine. A message popped up on the screen. It was from him. It said: ‘I love you and I want you.’
In one short discovery my world collapsed. I confronted her with the text and she said, they were just friends and he’d only kissed her once and that was it.
And actually I still don’t know the full extent of their relationship. She’s never admitted to what’s going on. Our relationship degenerated from that point. When we came back from holiday, I said: ‘If you’re going to carry on seeing him, you move out.’ That was my line. But then she said I should move out and leave her with the children because she’s their mother.
I said: ‘Why should I leave the house? You’re the one who cheated!’ Also from a legal perspective, the advice I’ve been given is to stay put, don’t go.
So we were in a stalemate when lockdown happened. I am now working from home, but my wife is still going out to work. Well, I assume she’s going to work, but of course she never tells me. My suspicion is she’s not just at work, she’s seeing him as well. And that really grates with me. I feel my nose is being rubbed in it. I worry about her infecting us with the virus as I don’t know where he’s been.
John revealed he and Hannah haven’t formally explained to their children that they’re getting a divorce (file image)
She said I should go and stay with my mother, which isn’t an option as my mother is vulnerable as an older person. She wants separate living arrangements, but we already live wholly separate lives. I am still sleeping in what was our bedroom and she is sleeping in the boxroom, which is my younger daughter’s room. She sleeps in her sister’s room.
We haven’t formally sat the children down and said we’re getting a divorce, because if you say that, they’ll expect something to change. And of course, lockdown means nothing can change.
We don’t speak to each other. She gets up very early, whereas I am not a morning person. When I finish work, I go running and that is usually the time she eats with the children.
We never used to eat as a family in the evenings, because I had a long commute. But I would come in and go upstairs and get changed and she would prepare something for me.
Now there is food in the fridge for me — it was always the arrangement that I paid the bills and she covered the food and that is still our habit. But if I sit at the table to eat with the children, she will take her plate and eat in a separate room.
She’ll still put my clothes in the washing machine. But she won’t iron them for me. Now I ask myself, Why didn’t I ever do the ironing?
We stopped watching TV together a long time ago. I might watch something in the evening, and she’ll go up to her room and watch something on her iPad. Wherever I am, she will make a point of not being.
John said lockdown has given him the headspace to gather his thoughts (file image)
What worries me is the children. We want to protect them, of course, as parents. And arguments tend to be whispered, angry flare-ups behind closed doors. At the moment they don’t seem particularly affected, but I am sure there will be an impact.
Lockdown has been a relief in a way. I had been rediscovering my youth and going out more and having a bit of fun. I’d been seeing other people, wholly superficially, and I was tired of that.
It’s nice to cut the commute and work from home, and it feels like I’ve got some headspace to gather my thoughts. There’s a lot of life administration that needs doing ahead of the divorce.
I’m not too worried about finances. My job is secure as things stand. I’m not sure about hers, she hasn’t told me. But the house is a big concern. Before lockdown we had planned to sell the house, split the proceeds and go our separate ways. But selling the house when there’s no market, doesn’t make sense.
Also being here more has made me realise that selling the house would be hugely disruptive to the children, so from a financial and emotional perspective I think that once the lockdown has eased we’ll reach an agreement. I’ll rent a flat nearby.
It might sound really selfish, but for me the pandemic has almost made the divorce easier. I am at a time of personal crisis, but wider society is in crisis, too. Things will change for everybody when we’ve come through this. I don’t feel I am so alone.
My fear is getting lulled into a false sense of security. I don’t want to get too comfortable. I love the house we live in and working from home. I get to spend more time with the children. But all this is going to change. I’ve got one foot in the past and one foot in a new life.
Names and identifying details have been changed.