From the Off, I’ve been happy to admit that when it comes to the coronavirus crisis I don’t have a clue. Is the lockdown justified? Should it be lifted immediately? The simple answer is: dunno.
And neither does anyone else. You pays your money and takes your choice. The best and brightest minds in the world are grappling with Covid-19 and they can’t agree. This nasty virus affects different people and different countries in different ways.
I just wish politicians wouldn’t pretend they have all the answers. Those daily press conferences are counter-productive. Nobody emerges any the wiser. What useful purpose is served by reading out the death toll every teatime, like the football results?
Especially when we’re never told anything about the effect unspecified ‘underlying conditions’ had on the deceased. What’s the point of demanding an ‘exit strategy’ when the Government doesn’t have one because it still can’t be certain what it’s dealing with?
Most of us understand that and are prepared to cut them some slack for the time being. I just wish ministers would tell the truth, and when they’re asked a question to which they don’t have an answer could summon up the courage to reply: ‘Search me, guv.’
Mastermind chair under spotlight.. Littlejohn takes on Heath Secretary Matt Hancock
The Government should scrap the daily press conferences and simply send a spokesman to be quizzed by the Mail’s new Saturday columnist John Humphrys … Good evening and welcome to Mastermind.
Let’s meet our first contestant. And your name is?
Matt Hancock.
Your occupation?
Secretary of State for Health.
And your specialist subject?
Coronavirus. Also known as Covid-19, a deadly disease sweeping the planet.
Here we go. You have two minutes to answer questions on coronavirus, starting now. The Government announced recently that 100,000 people a day would be tested. How many actually have been?
Pass.
How many testing kits have been made available up until now?
Pass.
How many of those who have been tested were positive? Pass. And how many tested negative?
Pass.
How many people without an underlying health condition have died from coronavirus?
Pass.
Not counting the PM, how many people have recovered from coronavirus and are back at work?
Pass.
How many people may have contracted coronavirus without exhibiting any symptoms?
Pass.
How many lives have been saved since the Government told us to stay at home to protect the NHS?
Pass.
And how many people have died from conditions other than coronavirus because their treatment has been cancelled?
Pass.
The Army took a week to build a special Nightingale hospital in East London, able to accommodate up to 4000 patients. How many patients are currently being treated there?
Pass.
More than 30 British companies have offered to supply personal protective equipment, PPE, to the NHS. How many of them have received a reply?
Pass.
Why are British companies having to export PPE while there is a shortage in NHS hospitals?
Pass.
Why are we sending the RAF to collect PPE from Turkey and Egypt when it could be sourced in Britain?
Pass.
Why can an online greengrocer deliver fruit and veg to your front door the next day, yet the NHS is incapable of distributing surgical gloves and masks to hospitals?
Pass.
Why has the NHS been slow to allow private laboratories and universities to carry out testing?
Pass.
A month ago, the private medical sector offered to treat patients suffering from cancer, heart disease and other life -threatening ailments to free up NHS hospitals. Why has this offer not been taken up?
Pass.
How close are we to discovering an effective vaccine?
Pass.
Do face masks prevent you catching coronavirus and are they about to be made compulsory?
Pass.
Will it be safe to start reopening schools in three weeks’ time?
Pass.
More than 750,000 people have volunteered to help during the coronavirus emergency, but only a handful have been recruited because the bureaucracy insists on doing extensive and intrusive background tests on everyone. For heaven’s sake, why?
Pass.
What is the point of Public Health England?
Pass.
How long is this lockdown going to last?
Pass.
Will we have to obey the social distancing guidelines for another year?
Pass.
Why can you buy plants and garden furniture from supermarkets and DIY stores, but not from garden centres?
Pass.
Why can’t you sit on a park bench when you are out taking your daily exercise?
Pass.
Why are the police preventing people from sunbathing even though nobody else is within 100 yards of them?
Pass.
Why are small firms and the self-employed required to fill in a 20-page form before they can be denied a Government loan?
Pass.
How many people will be unemployed before this economic shutdown is over?
Pass. How long before the Government runs out of money and Britain goes bankrupt?
Pass.
When is Boris coming back to work?
Pass.
What is … (Beep, beep, beep) I’ve started, so I’ll finish. What is the Government’s exit strategy?
Pass.
Matt Hancock, you have scored no points and have passed on everything. One final question. . .do you know where I can buy a packet of bog rolls?
Impressionist Christopher Gee recently turned my latest Dad’s Army sketch into a podcast. Now he’s done the same for last Friday’s Only Fools And Horses column, which caught up with the Trotters on lockdown in Nelson Mandela House. You can hear it at Mailplus.co.uk and on Christopher’s website, christopher-gee.com. Bonnet de douche!
Max Headroom it is, then. A couple of weeks ago, I announced we’d have to settle on a nickname for the new Labour leader.
I’ve always called him Max Headroom because of his uncanny resemblance to the 1980s computer-generated video jockey.
But then someone came up with Mr Moisturiser, after Starmer shared his nightly skin care routine with a magazine.
Given that Sir Keir is the first Opposition leader with a knighthood since Douglas-Home, and is a bit of a Champagne Socialist, I toyed with Kir Royale.
That had a nice ring to it, but I decided to throw it open to Mail readers.
You’ve come back overwhelmingly in favour of Max Headroom, largely on the grounds that Starmer is Half Man Half Avatar.
(As opposed to that Eighties punk/folk group Half Man Half Biscuit, best known for the Trumpton Riots.)
Actually, when Max made his debut at this week’s virtual Prime Minister’s Questions, it would have made more sense for him to have appeared on one of those large TV screens dotted round the chamber.
Everytime he opened his mouth, I could hear Paul Hardcastle singing Covid-N-N-N-Nineteen…