When the official advice turned from social distancing to self-isolation to lockdown, I thought it was a great opportunity.
My partner travels a lot on business and my schedule as a marital therapist — where I see couples mostly in the evening — means we hardly see each other. What could be better than time to unwind and reconnect?
However, after only two full days alone, the bliss of nowhere to go and nothing to do led to my partner asking me pointedly: ‘Do you have to scrape your knife across the plate?’
And I’m not the only one who’s had a rude awakening. Since switching to video-conferencing clients, I’ve dealt with arguments about balancing the competing needs of two partners working from home.
British therapist Andrew G. Marshall, shared his advice for nurturing marriages throughout the ongoing lockdown (file image)
Old simmering disputes about the division of chores and childcare have come back to the surface. What sort of worked (with a side-helping of resentment) needs to be completely rethought when you’re both home — all the time.
The news from China is not reassuring. There has been a significant rise in divorces because officials say ‘couples are spending too much time together at home’.
In Dazhou in the Sichuan province of south-western China, 300 couples have scheduled appointments to get divorced since the end of February. And another city, Fuzhou, in Fujian province has been so overwhelmed, they’ve put a cap on the number of divorces allowed each day, at ten.
So I have decided to turn my 35 years’ experience helping other people (and the experience of writing more than 20 books on relationships) to make certain my own marriage is not killed off by the Corona Crisis. Here are my six strategies . . .
FIGHT FEAR WITH LOVE
Neuroscientists have shown that the brain is like Velcro for negative experiences (they stick), but like Teflon for positive ones.
Evolution has given us a brain which tricks us into making three mistakes: over-estimating threats, under-estimating resources to cope, and stopping us from seeing the opportunities.
This brain is great for protecting us and letting us pass on our genes, but not for a good life.
So I keep reminding myself that it is natural to be frightened, it is normal to remember when my partner is irritated and to forget how the extra time together has, for example, brought up funny childhood stories I’ve never heard before.
Andrew recommends taking time to understand your differences to make disputes less personal (file image)
Therefore, I take a deep breath and remember something as important as the negativity bias: the only way to combat fear is with love.
So before I open my mouth and snap back, I have developed a test: ‘Will my words bring more love into my life or more fear?’ Every day, I try to choose love, but I promise you it isn’t always easy.
TOP TIP: It helps to understand why you and your partner clash. For example, his attitude to germs could be different because his mother followed the five-second rule on food hygiene: if something dropped on the floor, in this time period, it’s okay to eat it.
There’s been a significant rise in divorces in China after couples spent so much time together at home
Meanwhile, your mother believed the floor was covered in germs, the food was already contaminated and you were going to get sick.
Understanding your differences makes the dispute less personal and more a fight between your mothers than the two of you.
FINDING THE RIGHT BOUNDARY
We are super aware of boundaries at the moment: how far to stand from the next person in the supermarket and should I go to visit my elderly father who lives alone and is in danger of getting depressed from complete isolation, but also at risk of being infected by me? However, the crisis has also made us notice invisible boundaries, too: for example between our professional and personal life.
I had two clients, newly working from home. She was in a bad mood because of a work issue, he walked by and thought she was angry with him, took offence and they had a nasty row.
Andrew suggests negotiating the right boundaries to achieve peace without getting resentful (file image)
TOP TIP: When we’re stressed, we tend to retreat behind high boundaries. For example, my client responded to the row by telling the other: ‘You work in the kitchen and I will work in the living room and stay there till lunchtime.’
The high boundaries kept them safe, but didn’t allow for much intimacy — no little chats to break up the boredom or asking each other’s advice.
But the other response to a row, particularly if you don’t like having them, is to lower your boundaries. For example, to say instead: ‘I’m sorry I upset you, come into the kitchen whenever you want.’
It keeps the peace but you risk getting resentful (and no work done). Instead, take enough time to negotiate the right boundary — for example: no verbal interruptions, but it’s okay to send an email to the other and set up a coffee break together. Good boundaries have some flexibility built into them.
DON’T RESCUE YOUR PARTNER
If you’re upset, shouldn’t a loving partner try to make it better? At first sight, this sounds true, but coming to your rescue might create new problems.
Perhaps, for example, to help combat your fears about the coronavirus or the impact of it on your finances, he dismisses them, saying: ‘You’re over-reacting.’
Alternatively, when you’re angry with him, maybe he tries to rescue the situation by giving you a hug. However, you feel he’s minimising your emotions and push him away. He gets upset and suddenly it’s all about him.
Welcome to the Drama Triangle. In this configuration there are three positions, one at each corner of the triangle — rescuer, victim and perpetrator.
Andrew said listening is in an important skill for showing that you care (file image)
You started as the victim, he tried to rescue and suddenly you’re the perpetrator (because you wouldn’t let him buy you off with a hug) and he’s become the victim. Couples can easily get stuck in this triangle.
TOP TIP: Move into the ‘winners’ triangle’ and instead of rescuing, all you have to do is care. How do you show that?
The skill is listening. Try responding with: ‘So what you’re saying is . . . ’ (summarising his feelings will make him feel heard).
Use the three most powerful words to show you care: ‘Tell me more.’ And ask open questions. For example: ‘What can you do differently?’
Don’t offer a ready-made solution — however tempting, because that’s rescuing — instead ask: ‘How can I help you?’
It doesn’t matter if you move round this triangle because the other positions — as well as ‘Caring’ — are ‘Assertive’ and ‘Open’, and both these qualities are positive, too.
EMBRACE SOME ANCIENT WISDOM
Myths and legends have survived because they contain eternal truths. In this crisis, I have been using the story of Icarus with my clients. Everybody knows that he flew too close to the sun and melted the wax of his wings. However, many people don’t know he was imprisoned with his father, Daedalus, who made the wings. He warned his son not to fly too high, but also not to go too low or the feathers would become waterlogged and he’d drown.
In modern language, the myth says don’t be too optimistic (‘I won’t get infected by the virus because I’m young and healthy’ or ‘the scientists are overreacting and trying to cover their backs’) or too pessimistic (‘we’re all doomed to die on a trolley in a hospital corridor’).
Andrew revealed that we become more like ourselves during a crisis, the solution is to find a compromise (file image)
How can you find the middle way? How can you hold both positives and the negatives at the same time?
For example, you could be open to continuing the new ways of working brought in by the crisis (so you might not return to five days a week in the office once the lockdown is eased), but are also aware of the potential hit to your finances (and put off anything but essential purchases).
TOP TIP: Picture the controversial issues between the two of you as see-saws. For example, optimistic and pessimistic/ saver and spender/ rational and emotional.
In a crisis, we become more like ourselves. In other words, you will push down on your end of the see-saw, and your partner will fly up at his end (and vice versa).
I keep reminding myself it is natural to be frightened — that the only way to combat fear is with love
The solution is to move into the middle and find a compromise — so the see-saw does not fling you too high or tip you too low. You can achieve this by listening to your partner’s opinion, telling him on which points you agree, and asking him open questions: ‘How would that work?’
If he thinks you’re taking him seriously, he will return the compliment and slowly you will both edge away from your extreme see-saw positions.
STAY IN THE PRESENT
We get depressed because we get stuck in the past — ‘In the last recession I lost my job’ — or, alternatively, become too focused on the future and become anxious — ‘we’ll be stuck at home till summer’.
So I have trained myself to ask: ‘How are things now?’ The answer is good. The birds are singing outside my window. There’s a tree covered in pink blossom across the road.
Andrew has been training himself to get involved in his wife’s current interests, as we can become depressed when we’re stuck in the past (file image)
I have my bicycle, so I can get exercise and see other people without coming too close.
TOP TIP: What can you do with the extra time together today? During the lockdown, my partner has become obsessed with hydroponics (growing plants without soil) and is planning a ‘wall garden’ in our living room, where the system is both fed and cleansed by a fish tank.
My normal reaction would be ‘whatever’, but we could watch the YouTube videos about hydroponics together and I could buy into the project, so it belongs to both of us.
EVERYTHING YOU KNOW IS OUT OF DATE
In the first strategy, I explained how our brain has tricked us into overlooking the opportunity present in danger.
All over the world, governments are tearing up the rule book for how things are done.
What would happen if you took the ‘it is not business as usual’ approach with your relationship? How could a BC marriage (Before Coronavirus) differ from an AC marriage (After Coronavirus)?
At first sight, change is frightening. However, it can be wonderful to challenge old ways of doing things, old assumptions about each other and to find new ways of co-operating.
Andrew recommends focusing on occasions when things have worked well instead of talking about problems (file image)
TOP TIP: Instead of talking about problems (which makes you defensive or critical), focus on occasions when things worked well (this will boost your creativity). In the corporate world, it is called Positive Inquiry.
For example, when has the division of chores worked? (Perhaps it did when you hired a holiday cottage last summer?)
What did each of you do to make things run smoothly?
How could you build on this experience now?
(If you come up with any problem scenarios, write them down for discussion another time.)
Finally, design the first step towards delivering this new way of collaborating.
This could be each of you listing your chores. Not just the headlines, such as laundry, but all the elements: unloading the machine, ironing and folding, putting back in cupboards etc.
Not only will you understand better what each of you do, but it will highlight where there is overlap and any confusion about who will be completing the task.
Sometimes giving one of you complete responsibility can ease tension, and will encourage the other partner to take something extra on.
Andrew G. Marshall is the author of The Happy Couple’s Handbook: Powerful Love Hacks For A Successful Relationship. More information at andrewgmarshall.com