Practically every bride and groom starring on this year’s season of Married At First Sight has admitted to never having seen the show.
After Monday night’s insufferable double wedding ‘intruder’ episode, it’s not hard to see why.
Everything bad about Australian TV came spewing out in one vile stream, as a failed actress got matched with a dog, and a failed influencer returned for another 15 minutes.
Double wedding disaster: Everything bad about Australian television came spewing out in one vile stream on Married At First Sight on Monday, as a failed actress got matched with a dog and a failed influencer returned for another fifteen minutes (Pictured: KC and Drew)
KC and Drew
Don’t look now, but did you know that bride over there, the one with the Kylie Jenner starter pack lips and the Dolly Parton starter pack boobs used to live in…
‘DID SOMEONE SAY LA!?’ intruder bride KC yelled as she entered the room, seemingly on cue.
‘Wait a second, how did you hear us from three rooms away?’
‘I didn’t!’ KC explained.,’I’ve just been going from room to room yelling “DID SOMEONE SAY LA?!” in the hopes of starting a conversation about it.’
We all know one: We’ve all met a KC – the kind of person who won’t shut up about the fact they’ve lived in LA and who speaks about the place like it’s the first colony on the Moon
We’ve all met a KC. That is, the kind of person who won’t shut up about the fact they lived in LA and who speaks about the place like it’s the first colony on the Moon.
‘In LA, your lips and boobs swell as they’re sucked into the vacuum of time and space, while you drift aimlessly from audition to audition in a failed attempt to make “one small step” into the industry,’ she (probably) said.
Prior to the wedding, KC explained she was after ‘someone loyal, who watches the shows I like without complaining and eats whatever food I cook for them’.
Have you tried the pound? I think you’re looking for a Labrador.
What she’s looking for: KC basically told producers she was looking for someone who’s ‘loyal, who watches the shows I like without complaining and eats whatever food I cook for them’
Anyway, the wedding happened just like every other wedding on this show – in a completely controlled environment, with pre-written vows and pre-planned drama.
‘I’m a wedding singer,’ Drew told his wife when they finally got a quiet moment together. Translation: I’m a busker who’s busy on weekends.
He mentioned a failed engagement in the past, but couldn’t really explain want went wrong or who ended it. Articulation isn’t Drew’s strong point.
Have you tried the pound? Yep, that’s right, KC wanted a human Labrador, and she got one in simple, subservient Drew! Drew’s a wedding singer, i.e. a busker who’s busy on weekends
‘So why did you move back to Australia?’ Drew foolishly asked.
‘Have you seen the guys in LA? I moved back after realising I’d just never find love,’ she replied without a hint of sarcasm.
Look, we may not have legal weed, a bustling nighttime economy and a Tesla in every driveway, but we do have MEN down here!
And the only thing more certain than death and taxes, is men thinking with their penises – wherever in the world you find them.
LAme: KC said she returned to Australia after realising the men in LA were somehow a different species. Let me tell you this for free, KC: the only thing more certain than death and taxes, is men thinking with their penises – wherever in the world you find them
‘Drew is great!’ KC told producers at a human-sized dog collar shop the next day.
‘He comes when I call, rarely says a word, and as an added bonus, doesn’t wipe his a** up and down the grass after using the s***ter!’
KC’s only concern was that Drew admitted to ‘living with women’ his entire adult life.
‘Right now I’m thinking there’s something that’s not being said. Like, is there a guard up?’ she asked after Drew failed to explain why he has female friends.
No KC, he’s not shady, he’s not planning anything. The bloke’s just running Windows 95 upstairs so you might want to grab a coffee while you wait for him to compute.
Every dog has his day: ‘Drew is great! KC told producers the next day. ‘He comes when I call, rarely says a word, and as an added bonus, doesn’t wipe his a** up and down the grass after using the s***ter!’
Elizabeth and Seb
She’s BACK! Any credible psychologist would have had one look at Liz 2.0, complete with darker hair and a worryingly skinny frame, and had serious concerns about her ability to cope with public scrutiny
Any credible psychologist would have had one look at Liz 2.0, complete with darker hair and a worryingly skinny frame, and had serious concerns about her ability to cope with public scrutiny.
But our three volunteer experts, plucked from school canteens nationwide and thrust into the reality TV spotlight, saw no reason not to proceed. Shocking, I know.
‘I don’t know what the f**k I’m doing,’ Liz said just seconds before walking down the aisle for her second fake wedding in two years.
We know Liz, we know.
Liz gets matched with Seb who, unlike last year’s walking dropkick Sam Ball, is a decent human being – perhaps overly so.
Not your normal experts! But our three volunteer experts, plucked from school canteens nationwide and thrust into the reality TV spotlight, saw no reason not to proceed. Shocking, I know
‘I’m extremely tall, six foot six, but my parents are really short,’ the pasty, Vaseline-covered groom explained in an introductory video package.
‘I grew up in a power plant, maybe that explains it!’
Sorry, Seb. That sounds like the kind of lie you’d learn in an orphanage.
Meet Seb: Liz gets matched with Seb. ‘I’m extremely tall, six foot six, but my parents are really short,’ the pasty, Vaseline-covered groom explained in an introductory video package
‘I’m really eccentric, my friends just say, “Oh that’s just Seb, doing Seb things!” he added.
By ‘friends’, I think Seb meant ‘the four Japanese men in my competitive Fortnite team, who were too busy E-shooting teenagers to make it here today’.
The big storyline producers came up with here was whether Seb would survive the barrage of loaded questions asked by Liz’s mother at the reception.
Mother-in-law from hell: The big storyline the producers came up with here, was whether Seb would survive the barrage of loaded questions asked by Liz’s mother at the reception
Liz’s mum was forgetting that Seb had already proved his ability to survive in a room full of manipulative husks with ulterior motives. He auditioned for this show, after all.
Somewhat surprisingly, Lizzie seemed to be genuinely attracted to every bizarre thing this man did – even his Peter Garrett dancing was a turn on.
‘It’s really different this time around,’ she beamed after the ceremony.
Not my first time at the rodeo! Liz’s mum was forgetting that Seb already proved he could hold his own in a room full of manipulative husks with ulterior motives – he auditioned for the show, after all
Eyes are burning: Somewhat surprisingly, Lizzie seemed to be genuinely attracted to every bizarre thing this man did – even his Peter Garrett dancing was a turn on
To be fair Liz, last year Sam Ball called you fat and then buggered off to a overseas funeral, so it’s hardly a big bar to cross.
Seb’s only stumble came in the form of a raging first kiss boner – he had to prematurely detach, or risk soiling his hired pants with ‘fluid #3’.
Mikey’s infamous 10-second bedroom performance looked like a world endurance record in comparison.
Married At First Sight continues Tuesday at 7:30pm on Channel Nine
‘It’s really different this time!’ Liz said after the ceremony. To be fair Liz, last year Sam Ball called you fat and then buggered off to a overseas funeral, so it’s hardly a big bar to cross