Two weeks ago I was handed a letter, along with other residents in my care home in Wiltshire, and asked to sign it. It stated that if I fell ill, I agreed that I did not want to be taken to hospital.
No one put me under pressure to sign it, but I did.
Why? Because, aged 97, I feel that, with our hospitals so terribly overstretched by the coronavirus epidemic, somebody younger than me should have the benefit of a hospital bed or, if I needed it, a ventilator.
I would hate to think that I was taking away resources from someone, who, because of their age and general good health, would have a better chance of survival.
I spoke to my family before I signed and they supported my decision.
And that was that.
Elizabeth, left, meets Kate Middleton at Bletchley last year
At my age I know what I want: I may be frail in body but my mind is strong. In the war, I was in the WAAF – Women’s Auxiliary Air Force – and I worked at Bletchley Park, where the Enigma code was cracked, as a signals intelligence officer.
Of course, signing the letter was merely an expression of my own decision – and I certainly don’t believe other people should be forced to do the same.
I’m also fully aware that the care in my local hospital – which I’ve visited just twice in the past three and a half years – is very good.
But in the past weeks, many of the wards have been hit by coronavirus and staff are understandably rushed off their feet.
Hospitals are difficult places to be in at the best of times, especially if you are blind, as I am. The staff are brilliant but they don’t know you, and it’s stressful and noisy. I dread to imagine how chaotic it is now.
Whereas here, in the care home, I know my way around, I know the staff and they know me. I am very lucky. I have my own private room, talking books from the Royal National Institute of the Blind. And, of course, the carers – despite being underpaid – are wonderfully patient and charming.
All of which means I’d much rather stay here than be sent to hospital.
That said, if I did need to go to hospital for a heart or a hip operation then I definitely would. But if it was because I was infected with coronavirus, then I would rather remain where I am. I signed a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) form years ago, so this is not all that different.
It’s simply the truth that I am not afraid of dying – though I am slightly afraid of how I might die. Quite naturally, I’d rather it were quiet and peaceful, with palliative care if I need it. That is far more likely to happen here than in a busy hospital.
Though I do worry that this places a huge responsibility on the carers here, many of whom are very young.
After I signed the letter, I asked how many carers at the home were trained in end of life care. There are only two.
It means if I were to be taken seriously ill at night, and one of them wasn’t on duty, and there wasn’t a spare nurse available, they would have to ring for an ambulance. Then it would be up to the paramedics to decide whether I went to hospital.
I know that not everyone feels this way but signing that letter offers a degree of comfort. For as long as I have the choice, I would much rather die in my own bed.