Denise Welch admits post-natal depression battle left her feeling like ‘a wicked, unnatural woman’

Denise Welch has revealed she felt like ‘a wicked, unnatural woman’ when she suffered with post-natal depression.

The actress and presenter, 62, released her book The Unwelcome Visitor: Depression And How I Survive It this month, in which she writes about her struggles – something she has been candid about for years.

Of the way she felt after welcoming her son Matty, 31, she writes in the book: ‘I wanted my feelings back: just to be able to experience emotions again, especially for my baby; just to be normal.

‘Even though I’m not religious in the least, I used to pray, Dear God, please, please, help me to love my baby.’

She explains that, when she suffered from further bouts of depression later in life, she ‘had no inkling that I would be spirited back to the aftermath of a wretched labour in 2008 when I, too, felt desolate, empty, mad – and as terrified as she was of being unmasked as a wicked, unnatural woman’.

In a recent interview with The Telegraph about the book, Denise explained: ‘I would get so stressed and anxious that my face would contort like I had Bell’s palsy, so I drank to anaesthetise the fear and the pain.

‘I was terrified that I would let people down, scared of accepting any new job – but, of course, we’re all actor whores at heart, and when you get the call from your agent you just say ‘yes’, regardless. And then drink to numb the fear.’

In the same chat, Denise weighed in on the state of younger people in 2020, and how the COVID-19 crisis will not have helped.

‘There’s a mental health tsunami on its way,’ she said. ‘As lockdown eases off so many people will need treatment, but the NHS just hasn’t got the resources. So what are they to do?

‘I have a lot of time for that generation who are always being slagged off. They live on social media, in a cycle of compare and despair as they see other people parading “perfect” lives; exotic holidays, model boyfriends, designer clothes.

‘For them lockdown has been a relief because there’s no Fomo, fear of missing out, when everyone is at home. But as things start to change, that will kick in again.’

Of being able to help others, Denise added: ‘I’m relatable. I don’t have answers. I am just telling my story, my truth, and if I can help people then that will be my proudest legacy.

‘My depression is endogenous – it arises regardless of external events – and although the measures I take have reduced the severity, there is no magic wand. That’s why this book is about surviving this illness, not about curing it.’

The TV star spoke about her three-decade battle with depression on Thursday’s episode of Loose Women too.

She made an emotional appearance on the ITV show, speaking via video from her home as she discussed her experiences.

Denise admitted that at her lowest she tried to throw herself out of a taxi, describing how post-natal depression, following the birth of her son 1975 singer Matty Healy in 1989, was her first experience of mental health issues. 

Promoting her new book The Unwelcome Visitor: Depression and How I Survive It, Denise said she wanted to speak publicly about her experiences to help others.  

‘Obviously I have no medical knowledge, I’m in no position to tell anyone how to survive it, but if anyone can gain solace from my experience…’ she said.

‘It started when I gave birth to Matty 31 years ago. Prior to that I’d had no episode of depression. I didn’t know the true meaning of depression until I had very severe postnatal depression.’

She added: ‘Nobody that I could access was talking about it – nobody in the public eye, as it were. There was nothing.’

‘I wasn’t in a fit state to go into a bookstore to find a medical book. Unfortunately for me it opened up a tendency for it and it’s something I’ve lived with for 31 years and it’s why I’ve done the book.’

Denise explained how she was aware of her postnatal depression after a blissful pregnancy with her son: ‘I knew that I had postnatal depression in as much as I’d been a perfectly ‘normal’ blooming woman in pregnancy… I loved it… Everything around us was fine.’

‘And then I was plunged into this black, almost suicidal, depression – so I knew it was post-natal depression.

Speaking about one particular depressive episode, the Loose Women star explained: ‘I’d had a horrible moment where I’d tried to throw myself out of a taxi when I was with my mum. And when people say, ‘Were you trying to end everything?’ I wasn’t. I was trying to stop the pain. Only people who have had severe depression will know how that feels.’

Denise also revealed how her illness affected her work, confessing she didn’t do theatre for 12 years after having a ‘terrible episode of depression in the middle of a show’. 

She added: ‘I would have given anything to have turned on my TV, to see someone I recognised talking about an illness they lived with, how they enjoyed the bits in between.’  

Denise went on to tearfully explain that her ‘darkest moments were at the very beginning,’ when she was trying to understand post-natal depression..

‘The main thing was when I couldn’t love my child and that does affect me… when you have this baby, that you have wanted so badly, and you have no love, because what depression does is it depresses every single emotion, so it’s not striving for happiness, it’s striving for normalcy – it’s striving for the ability to be happy, to be sad, to care, to feel jealous, to feel anger, because with depression you feel nothing’. 

‘And that’s why you feel that life can be not worth living, unless you have a family like mine who said every day, ‘You will get better’.’

Denise was played messages of support from her husband Lincoln Towney and stepson during the show, while her co-stars read out a loving message from her son Matty.    

Denise concluded with a message of hope for viewers, telling them: ‘You can survive it and you can make the most of your life in between the episodes… I want to say a thank you to Loose Women and you girls for giving me a platform to speak about my own experiences but for making this show about lightening the load as well, I’m very proud to be a part of it.’

The chat prompted fellow Loose Women Ruth Langsford to explain how it feels to have a family member with depression. The ITV satr’s sister Julia took her own life last June following a long battle with her mental health.  

Ruth explained on Thrusday’s show that as a loved one ‘sometimes it’s about giving the right support and I didn’t know what to do.’

‘Sometimes I made the mistake of chivvying someone up, she would say she was feeling one way and I’d say why don’t you do this. I was listening to Stephen Fry and he said sometimes they don’t want to do that, just listen.’

Nadia Sawalha was in tears as she explained it was too emotional for her to talk about her husband Mark Adderley’s depression.

For confidential support call the Samaritans on 116123 or visit a local Samaritans branch, see www.samaritans.org for details. 

The Unwelcome Visitor: Depression And How I Survive It by Denise Welch is published by Hodder & Stoughton in hardback, ebook and audio.