By now you’ve probably seen the joke that’s doing the rounds on social media. ‘We’re just three weeks away from knowing everybody’s real hair colour and texture,’ it states.
It’s a reference to the fact that none of us can get to our hairdressers to have our grey roots touched up, our split ends chopped off and our frizzy mops smoothed and blow-dried, and it’s induced a fair amount of panic.
But, as much as we love our hairdressers and will be flocking to them as soon as it’s safe to do so, isn’t it time for a little reminder that a visit to the salon isn’t always the most relaxing experience?
Here, to make you feel better about the hair horrors that lie ahead, CLAUDIA CONNELL suggests 25 reasons she won’t miss her visit to the hairdressers . . .
Claudia Connell (pictured) listed 25 reasons why she won’t be missing her regular trips to the hairdresser during lockdown
1 Who hasn’t played the coffee sip co-ordination game? Your coffee is in front of you (maybe with one of those nice Italian biscuits if it’s a really upmarket place) but it’s going cold and you’re desperately trying to find the right moment to take a gulp without injuring yourself or annoying the hairdresser.
2 Being quizzed on the products you use at home. Is it a trap? You always end up desperately casting around for whatever they have in the salon to claim that’s what you use, to avoid being castigated for the supermarket cheapies you rely on.
Who wants to be told ‘these are the products we used on you today’ and then be presented with a line-up of bottles at the till?
3 Hairdressers who are too heavy-handed with the products. Half a can of mousse, half a bottle of serum and a gallon of setting spray.
The whole routine means your hair is stickier than a cloud of candyfloss, and if anyone strikes a match nearby you’ll light up like a firework.
4 That moment when you stand up to remove the gown . . . and all the hair clippings fall into your open handbag on the floor. You’ll still be picking them out when it’s time for your next visit.
5 The anxiety of tipping. How much should you add? Ten per cent on top of a £150 cut and colour is a lot of money. And do you give the tip directly to the stylist, when she’s already with another client, or leave it at the desk? Do you tip the washer as well? How much? Do they keep a note of non-tippers and give them bad haircuts the next time?
Claudia said not being able to visit the hairdresser, will give your scalp a break from being either scalded or iced. Pictured: Claudia having her her straightened
6 Gown panic. The hairdresser holds it up for you and suddenly you are a toddler again. How does it go on? Does it do up at the front like a jacket or at the back like a hospital gown? Whichever option you choose will be wrong. Why does this confusion send you, a grown and capable woman, into such a flap?
7 I know, gowns are important to protect clothing — but do they have to be made of 100 per cent crackling nylon, which turns you into a one-woman static factory and makes you sweat like a demon when you’re being blow-dried? They are no friend of the menopausal lady.
8 Some salons opt for giant nylon bibs instead of sleeved gowns. Relief? No! This just means your hands are trapped and you have to endure hours in the chair without being able to read a magazine or check your phone.
9 Those wretched wash basins. Placing your neck into the scooped-out groove, then leaning back at an uncomfortable angle to have your hair washed backwards; I’ve seen medieval torture instruments that look kinder.
10 Your precious scalp will have a break from being either scalded or iced.
‘How’s the temperature for you?’ asks the washer. ‘Fine,’ you say through clenched teeth, because you’ve learnt the water has only two temperatures: hotter than the surface of the sun or colder than the North Sea. Take your pick.
Claudia (pictured) revealed she won’t miss going to open a gossip magazine, only to discover a clump of somebody else’s hair lurking between the pages
11 ‘Would you like a head massage?’ If you’re lucky, you might get a few minutes of blissful relaxation, so of course you say yes. But the bitter reality is that often you get a bored junior with jagged nails and a lot of rings aggressively scratching your scalp for two minutes at the sink of torture. Customers want to emerge from a salon with a bouncy new hairdo, not whiplash.
12 The weird awkwardness of holding a conversation with another person by looking at them, and yourself, in a mirror. If you’re getting a cut, blow-dry and a full head of colour that adds up to around three hours of chit chat.
Whenever a stylist asks me if I am going out that evening or planning any holidays, I feel obliged to make something up so I sound less dull. That then requires keeping track of the exciting life I have invented so I don’t look blank when on my next visit she asks: ‘How are the snowboarding lessons going?’
13 Hairdressers studied a different kind of maths to you and I. Our half-an-inch off the ends is equivalent to their 3 in.
14 You’ve settled in for a long session and you spot your favourite trashy, guilty secret gossip magazine. You open the pages to read about the love woes of some sorry reality star only to find a matted clump of somebody else’s hair between the pages.
15 The girls who gossip to one another across the basins, oblivious to the fact you’re blinded by the shampoo in your eyes, your mascara is running down your face and the misdirected water is trickling down your back.
Claudia said we won’t miss the misery of hairdresser’s cutting an uninvited bob. Pictured: Claudia having her washed as part of the Yuko System
16 ‘Where’s your parting?’ asks the stylist. ‘Just there,’ you reply, pointing to the spot. ‘Here?’ asks the stylist, parting it in a completely different place. ‘Yes, that’s right,’ you say meekly.
17 You’re a professional and an adult woman, you take no nonsense at work or at home. So why do you find yourself stammering apologies when the stylist grabs your head and moves it roughly back to the centre after you dared to look in any direction other than straight ahead?
18 Every woman has had a bob at some point in her life. Whether she wanted it is another matter. It’s every hairdresser’s fallback style. We won’t miss the misery of an uninvited bob.
19 For middle-aged women, a fringe is a godsend. Hiding a wrinkly forehead, they’re a poor man’s Botox. But a fringe cut too short is surely the worst of all hairdressing disasters as the only fix is to wait for it to grow. In the meantime, you’re left looking like Jim Carrey in Dumb And Dumber.
20 If a customer didn’t arrive looking like a teased and primped show poodle, why would a hairdresser assume she’d want to leave looking like one?
Claudia (pictured) claims despite hating the cut and the colour, we often gush that the style is lovely and thank our hairdressers
21 Our sensitive little ears will have time to heal from all the times they’ve been nipped with scissors, blasted with a hairdryer and burned by straighteners.
22 A blow-dry should be done with a hairdryer. Why do so many hairdressers now blow-dry hair, only to totally flatten the life out of it afterwards with straightening irons?
23 Salons where you book a senior stylist to cut your hair, at great expense, but are then handed over to a gum-chewing junior to be ‘finished off’.
24 You hate the cut, you hate the colour, you hate your hairdresser. She holds the mirror up to show you the back and you find yourself saying: ‘Oh, that’s lovely, thank you very much.’
25 Just as dropped toast always lands butter-side down, it will always rain when you go to the hairdressers. Salon law dictates: the happier you are with your hairdo, the heavier the downpour. So be thankful for isolation!