No one is immune from challenging life experiences, big emotions, loss and times of real crisis — as we are seeing so clearly these days. We are all feeling the grief of a lost imagined future; the realisation that life is precarious, precious and ultimately finite, and that there are no guarantees. And if you feel floored by the situation, it doesn’t mean you are weak; it means you are human.
Often, it is during the toughest times that people forget to look after themselves. ‘Self-care’ has become a well-being buzzword, but the term was originally used in the context of people working in high-stress occupations — therapists, medical practitioners and those at the forefront of the emergency services.
Put simply, self-care is about nourishing all the layers of your being — mental, physical and emotional health — which are inextricably linked.
But when we need self-care the most, that’s when it’s often the hardest for us to do; pressed for time, bereft of energy or feeling guilty about doing something for ourselves.
Suzy Reading who is a chartered psychologist, yoga teacher and personal trainer, shared her advice for restoring your wellbeing (file image)
I know that from personal experience. As a chartered psychologist, yoga teacher and personal trainer, I had every nourishing tool at my fingertips. But becoming a mum at the same time as losing my dad was my first real experience of being seriously tested by life.
I learned the hard way that relentless pushing on led me to one place only — rock bottom. And in that place, I was no good to anyone.
To be the mum, wife, friend and practitioner I aspired to be, I had to take action. When life tested me again, it was still deeply challenging, but recognising the importance of self-care had me back firing on all cylinders much faster.
That’s why I’m going to empower you with self-care strategies that will help see you through this — and any future — crisis.
Essentially, this is about adopting life-giving habits rather than ‘those’ coping mechanisms (coffee to keep us going, food and alcohol to numb us, and screens to distract us) that feel good only in the short term.
Tough times hurt, there is no getting around it. But by unlocking your self-soothing capacity, these tips and practices will help you learn to restore yourself.
BUZZ LIKE A BEE FOR INNER SERENITY
One way to cultivate a feeling of calm is using ‘bee breath’, similar to a humming sound. Research shows this can be even more effective in reducing stress than just witnessing your breath or thoughts alone, by providing another means to anchor the mind. Sit tall, relax your shoulders and take a couple of natural breaths. If it feels good, close your eyes. Keeping your lips closed, start to breathe in through the nose and exhale making the sound ‘mmm’ like a bee. Repeat this for a few minutes.
STREAMLINE THOSE DAILY DECISIONS
Suzy recommends establishing little rituals, because reducing the number of choices you have to make can banish decision-making fatigue (file image)
Overcome decision-making fatigue by reducing the number of choices you have to make in your day. It can be as simple as establishing little rituals — for example, choosing a time of day to exercise and sticking to it, earmarking particular evenings in the week to socialise (even if only remotely), or planning what you’ll eat for lunch the next day and, even better, preparing it in advance. This will free up willpower reserves for life’s more difficult choices.
GET IN THE SWING OF SLOWING DOWN
Our addiction to being busy and in a state of high alert can make relaxation feel uncomfortable.
Relentless doing distracts us from our feelings; so when we stop, it can feel overwhelming.
There is some telling research. In several studies, participants were found to prefer self-administering electric shocks rather than being left alone with their thoughts, suggesting that many of us prefer to be doing something rather than nothing, even when that something is negative.
So, if you find relaxing in stillness hard, try to focus on movement instead. Try a walk with swinging arms to lift your mood.
SWAP THAT COLA FOR FIZZY WATER
Suzy advises keeping your diet as simple as possible, while being brutally honest with yourself about consumption of stimulants (file image)
If healthy eating isn’t already a habit, when stress levels are high it is not the time for making bold, sweeping changes.
Keep your diet as simple as possible. Think along the lines of these nutrient-rich foods that require little preparation or skill: whole grains (you can pop frozen wholemeal pitta bread in the toaster for a warming snack with hummus), eggs, salmon, avocado (on oatcakes or toast), lamb, chicken, greens such as asparagus that you can pop in foil and cook in the oven, frozen peas, baked beans, bananas, nuts, seeds and yoghurt.
Be brutally honest with yourself about how stimulants such as sugar, caffeine and alcohol affect your ability to cope. Swap fizzy drinks and alcohol for sparkling water with a flower essence.
PUT NEGATIVE PEOPLE ON PAUSE
Human beings need a sense of belonging. This web of support is even more critical during times of crisis. But what if the people we usually connect with are not providing the positive support we need? Now, more than at any other time, give yourself permission to do things differently.
It’s OK to opt for company that uplifts you and minimise the time you spend with people who drag you down.
It’s not about putting people in the ‘friend bin’. It’s not for ever.
Or, if it’s conversation that feels exhausting, change how you interact — agree to watch the same film together on TV, maybe. Do what you need to get by.
Suzy recommends holding your earlobes to release the stress-coping hormone oxytocin (file image)
PRESS EARLOBES OR TEMPLES TO REBOOT
Touch, whether received from someone else or self-administered, releases the stress-coping hormone oxytocin, which is vital for a sense of feeling safe.
Drawing on the power of touch, face, head and neck massage has a deeply restorative effect. Try these exercises:
Temporal press: Bring your thumbs onto your temples and place your fingertips on your forehead. Imagine you have two goat horns — this is the spot to place your fingertips, where you will feel a slight bony ridge. Gentle pressure here relieves tension.
If you think of the natural gesture we make when we receive bad news — the back of the hand to the forehead — you will realise we are hardwired to calm ourselves by using these pressure points. Maintain the temporal press for six relaxed breaths.
Collar bone hang: Bring your chin down toward your chest. At the inner tip of your collarbones, press your fingers firmly into the ridge, as if you are hanging from your collarbones by your fingertips. Maintain this pressure while you lift your chin up, stretching your throat. Repeat twice more.
Ear pull and rub: Hold your earlobes and draw them straight down, three times. Then, having released your earlobes, massage your head with your first two fingers: start at your temples, work your way up, over and behind your ear and downwards, three times.
Suzy suggests writing a letter to yourself, reflecting on achievements and exploring your fears (file image)
WAIT FOR ‘WORRY O’CLOCK’
It is normal to worry, and in times of stress it would be inhumane to tell you not to. We do, however, need to create a boundary so our worries don’t consume us.
What can help is scheduling a dedicated time to worry; setting up a particular time and duration in which to acknowledge your concerns fully. While you do this, use an acupressure trick for relieving anxiety — loosely hold your thumb in the palm of the other hand so your whole thumb is tenderly wrapped up. (You can choose either hand.)
Feel the sensation of touch and cultivate self-compassion.
When worries pop up outside this time, remind yourself that you’ll bear witness to them later, but it’s not the time now.
RITUAL REMINDS YOU YOU’RE IN CHARGE
In A seated position, ease out any tension with some shoulder rolls and head turns, and take a few relaxed breaths.
Form a steeple shape with your hands by gently spreading your fingertips wide and touching the tip of each finger and thumb together at chest height in front of your body. Feel the pulse beating in your fingertips and the warmth there.
Next, notice how the elevation of your fingertips is echoed by the structure of your mouth.
Press the tip of your tongue to the roof of your mouth, feeling how the upper palate is like the steeple lifting skywards. Then repeat the words ‘I am the architect of my life’, and breathe life and belief into this statement.
Suzy recommends trying to find some meaning in any current chaos, because it could unexpectedly reveal a benefit of your struggle (file image)
WRITE YOURSELF A ‘DEAR ME’ LETTER
Write a letter to yourself, choosing the prompts below that resonate for you. What do you want to say to yourself, or hear?
Plot a timeline of your life: Review your achievements, include everything you have weathered. How would anyone walking in your shoes feel?
Look to the positive: What qualities do you appreciate about yourself?
Assess your current situation: What are you doing well? Praise not only positive outcomes but effort, tenacity, grit, showing up, persistence and care.
Explore your fears: Acknowledge why certain matters are concerns for you. When do you feel at ease and why?
Make a commitment: Ensure you honour what is important to you, including looking after yourself.
FIND A STRUGGLE’S SILVER LINING
Even crises can, in time, have their silver linings, as is proved by people who find a way to move on after experiencing trauma.
The following questions may help you find some meaning in any current chaos and, once the dust has settled, could reveal an unexpected benefit from your struggle:
- How is this experience developing your perception of who you are, your capabilities, your purpose?
- What lessons are you learning about life or the world?
- Have new doors opened as a result of this challenge?
- Are there relationships that are deepening as a result?
- Is this experience cultivating a feeling of appreciation for precious aspects of your life?
And finally, extend towards yourself a huge dollop of tenderness and compassion. This is tough: any human being would find it so.
NOW TRY THESE SIMPLE STRESS-BUSTING EXERCISES
THE INSTANT HEALER
Suzy recommends this instant healer stretch (pictured), to reduce stress
In first aid, legs up against the wall is the position we bring someone into if they are in shock. It is deeply healing because it redistributes blood flow to the vital organs.
Gather a blanket and a pillow and set the intention to enjoy a complete absence of effort, striving or doing. Sit on the floor next to a wall, with your side facing the wall. Roll onto your back and slide your legs up the wall.
If this creates an uncomfortable stretch, put your legs up onto a sofa instead. Place the pillow under your head and wrap yourself in the blanket. Just flop and drop. Let your thoughts come and go, and keep bringing your attention back to the softening of your body and breath. Stay as long as it feels good.
THE TENSION BUSTER
We hold a great deal of tension in our jaw, clenching our teeth as we muscle our way through difficult experiences or ‘biting our lip’ to suppress emotions. Use this sequence to let go of the things you haven’t said.
Suzy said this sequence (pictured) can be used to release tension in the jaw
1 Circle your bottom jaw around your top front teeth six times one way, then change direction.
2 Circle your bottom jaw as if you are drawing the letter ‘O’, six times each way.
3 Take your bottom jaw upwards and forward, then down and back. Then reverse it, taking your jaw forward and up, then back and down. Six times each way.
4 Massage your jaw with a downwards stroke and notice how much more relaxed your face feels.
Self-Care For Tough Times: How To Heal In Times Of Anxiety, Loss And Change, by Suzy Reading, is out now in ebook (£4.99, Aster).