ASK ZELDA: Our relationships expert Zelda West-Meads answers your questions 

I love my husband but I hate having sex with him  

I am in my 60s with early onset arthritis, low energy and rock-bottom self-esteem. I have been married for more than 30 years and have a good relationship with my husband, but our sex life is a total disaster. He always wants to make love in the mornings when I am just waking up and am feeling unattractive and unsexy. If I don’t give in to his advances he always sulks like a child and won’t speak to me for days, sometimes even leaving a room if I enter. These episodes seem so unnecessary and they cause such a bad atmosphere between us. It makes me wonder why I put up with it and why he persists in trying. Sometimes, to avoid his moods, we do have sex, but I don’t enjoy it. However, knowing he’ll be happy afterwards and avoiding the inevitable sulk makes it seem worth it. How can we resolve this? Counselling is not an option as he will never admit that there’s anything wrong. He will say that the problem lies with me. I don’t think he realises how upsetting I am finding this. 

This is a very sad situation. Although you shouldn’t end up disliking sex so much, it must also be extremely difficult for your husband to feel so unwanted and rejected sexually – he probably realises that you don’t enjoy making love. It would be too much to expect him to give up sex. Even though you say that you have a good relationship, I sense that there is a lot of anger between you both and I expect that you slipped into the habit of not communicating properly some time ago. You also say that you feel ‘unattractive and unsexy’ and I wonder if – like so many women – you have body image issues and feel uncomfortable naked, whereas your husband is probably perfectly happy with how you look. I know you say that counselling is not an option, but it is exactly what you need. I think you can persuade your husband to go, but you will need to be completely honest with him. Tell him as gently as you can that you are simply not enjoying sex, that you know this upsets him and it has a big impact on the relationship. Explain that you want this to change for both your sakes, but that if he wants to continue to have a sex life he needs to go to counselling with you to find a way forward. You can find a counsellor through Relate (relate.org.uk) or the College of Sexual and Relationship Therapists (cosrt.org.uk). You could also see your GP for help with reviving your libido, but you may find you start to want to make love to your husband again if you become closer emotionally and can tell each other what you enjoy.

 

I don’t want to miss my daughter’s wedding  

I have always been very close with my daughter but she has made a decision that has hurt me deeply. She has been with her partner for ten years; they have been engaged for a long time and have an adorable two-year-old son. Recently she dropped the bombshell that they were planning to book a register office wedding with no guests – not even their little boy. When she asked me how I felt, I told her that I was devastated but if that was what they wanted I would accept it. However, we have often talked about buying her wedding dress together and previously she expressed a desire to marry abroad with just myself, my husband and a few others. She gets on really well with my husband but not her father. I can’t bear the thought of not being there on her special day.  

I can understand that you must feel hurt as I think every mother wants to be at her daughter’s wedding. However, you mention in your longer letter that the plan is ‘to get married then just go about their day with no plans for a celebration’. Perhaps, because they have been together for so long, they are seeing a wedding as a legal union rather than a special or big day. As you are so close, you have tried to protect her by not telling her exactly how you feel – so gently tell her again that you really don’t want to put pressure on her but that you are gutted about not being there to see her married. She did ask you how you felt, so I think she will probably take your feelings into account and hopefully reconsider.

• If you have a problem, write to Zelda West-Meads at: YOU, Northcliffe House, 2 Derry Street, London W8 5TS, or email [email protected]